


Jammed

by SelenaTerna



Series: Prompt Fics [9]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Humour, and other sillies, silliness, surfing bunnies on banners, the Doctor lands in the wrong place
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-29 20:03:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12638181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelenaTerna/pseuds/SelenaTerna
Summary: The Doctor and Rose end up on the wrong planet. Again. As usual, madness ensues.





	Jammed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Skyler10](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyler10/gifts).



> Hello lovelies! This bit of absolute silly nothingness is my waaaaaaay waaaaay overdue fill for Skyler10's prompt 'Ten x rose “Trust me when I say I’ve been here before.” ' I have no excuse for this silliness. Sorry it's taken so long, lovely! I hope you like it.

“Oh, no. This is not good. Very, _very_ not good.”

Rose turned to the Doctor. “What? What is it?”

“We’ve landed on Kupania in the middle of Kaflorkeltheomabolasta flinging season, that’s what!”

She blinked. “Say what?”

“Kupania, Rose! A small, semi-humanoid colonised planet in the outer Hebrides- metaphorically speaking- which specialises in one thing, and one thing only.”

“An’ what’s that?”

“Kaflorkeltheomabolasta, of course.” The Doctor grimaced, slipping his hands into his coat pockets. “Nasty things.”

Rose rolled her eyes. “An’ what are they, when they’re at home?”

“You wouldn’t recognise the species. ”

Rose wrinkled her nose. “Well, what’s so bad about them, then?”

“They look like giant socks made of slime and smell like a mouldy pear, that’s what.” The Doctor looked disgusted. “They grow on trees and the locals let them sit for about a month before eating them. Once a year, they hold a competition to see who can fling the nasty blobs the furthest, and the winner gets to plant the new season’s Kaflorkeltheomabolasta in the palace garden and eat a pie baked with the crop from the previous season.”

“What? They just throw ‘em?” Rose stared. “You’re havin’ me on!”

“Oh, I wish I were, Rose. It’s practically a national sport, here.”

She wrinkled her nose. “And we’re definitely on this Kupania place? It’s not somewhere that just looks like it?”

“Oh, no, it’s definitely Kupania.” He grimaced. “Trust me when I say I’ve been here before. And anyway, the only planet that looks like it is its twin, Zamphidia. Believe me when I tell you Kupania is the better option.”

“Why? How can this Zamphidia be worse?”

“Weeelllll, here they fling Kaflorkeltheomabolasta, and if you’re _very_ lucky you might be able to dodge most of them. On Zamphidia they make Kaflorkeltheomabolasta jam.”

Rose frowned. “But that’s better, innit? I mean, just don’t eat the jam- ’s better than having these slimy socks flung at you, yeah?”

“Except for the fact that the jam is a central part of their culture, Rose- it’s part of the welcoming ritual for guests, actually- breaking bread smeared with Kaflorkeltheomabolasta jam, and drinking Kaflorkeltheomabolasta juice, when it’s in season.” He shuddered. “The last part of the welcoming ritual involves soaking in a giant vat of Kaflorkeltheomabolasta jam with your host- they reckon it’s good for the skin.”

“You’re jokin’!” She exclaimed. “That’s disgustin’! Who soaks in jam?”

“Well, the Zamphidians do, obviously. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. Good job we didn’t land _there_ by mistake. Here we only have to dodge the odd flying Kaflorkeltheomabolasta.” He stroked his chin pensively. “I wonder if a very large golf umbrella would do the trick. Pretty sure I’ve got one in my pockets.”

Rose started to get a very strange feeling in her stomach. “Yeah…And you’re _sure_ we’re on Kupania? And not that other place?”

The Doctor was deep in thought, muttering aloud. “Maybe some goggles might help too….” 

“Doctor!”

“Can’t hurt, anyway…”

She poked him. “Doctor!”

“What?” He blinked at her.

“Are you _sure_ we’re on Kupania and not Zamphidia?”

“Oh yes, sure as sure can be- which, let me tell you, is very sure indeed! Sure as Pipsqueak’s Principle of Almost Certainly Certainty.”

“What?” She shook her head. “Never mind. Just _how_ are you so sure?”

“I told you, I’ve been here before, Rose! I know the differences well.”

She narrowed her eyes as the bad feeling worsened. “Like what?”

“Well, on Kupania, the sun rises in the east and sets in west- just like on earth. Now, on Zamphidia, it’s the other way round.” He pointed to the sun. “And as you can see, the sun is definitely setting in the west, since we’ve landed at sunset.”

The bad feeling in Rose’s stomach intensified. “Or we’ve landed at sunrise and the sun is risin’ in the west- which would make this Zamphidia.”

The Doctor looked offended. “Really, Rose! I’m a Time Lord- I reckon I can tell a sunset from a sunrise.” He huffed in indignation. “And anyway, there are other signs.”

“Like what?” She sighed, resigned as to how this would play out, no matter what the Doctor said.

“Well, the trees on Kupania play Candle in the Wind when the wind blows, whilst on Zamphidia they play Thunderstruck.”

“What? How can a tree even….know what, never mind. Either way, you can’t tell because the wind isn’t blowin’, Doctor!”

“Ah, but I haven’t told you about the most obvious sign, yet! Go on, ask me what it is!”

She sighed.”What is it?”

“Banners!”

“What?”

“Banners, Rose! Here on Kupania, the locals greet off-worlders with blue ribbons, the blue signifying welcome and unending friendship, whilst the Zamphidians greet visitors with great big neon yellow banners with surfing rabbits on them.”

“Surfing rabbits…”

“Yep!” He popped the p with his usual enthusiasm. “Rabbits are highly revered on Zamphidia, and surfing is something of a mystical art over there, so their welcoming banners all have great big beach bunnies on them.”

“Beach bunny banners….Like those ones, you mean?” Rose raised her eyebrows and gestured behind them.

“Yep, exactly like those!” He beamed. “Ooooh, nice work with the alliteration, Rose!” Then he blinked. “Oh, no.”

“Yeah, thanks….so you were sayin’ how we’re on Kupania?”

“Run, Rose!” He seized her arm and started dragging her back to the TARDIS. “Run as fast as you can!”

“Too late!” She groaned, as the welcoming committee playing ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’ caught up with them, giant bunny banners waving proudly.

“Oh, this is very, _very_ not good!”

“No kiddin’!”

The Doctor groaned. “Why does it always have to be _pears_?”

+++++++++

Rose knocked on the Doctor’s bathroom door. “Doctor, you’ve been in there for ages! Don’t you think you’ve soaked long enough?”

“Absolutely not! My hair _still_ smells like Kaflorkeltheomabolasta, Rose. It’s a travesty!”

She bit her lip to keep from laughing. “You’re goin’ to wrinkle if you stay in there much longer.”

The Doctor’s huff was clearly audible through the door. “I’m a Time Lord- it takes me at least four or five hours before I wrinkle.”

“Doctor, you’ve been soaking for two hours. Take a break before the next bath, at least!”

“That’s easy for you to say, Miss I’m-Human-and-Kaflorkeltheomabolasta-Jam-is-Highly-Toxic-To-Me-So-I-Didn’t-Have-to-Soak-In-Vat-Of-It!”

She exhaled, biting her lip harder to keep the laughter at bay. “That’s not my fault! An’ it’s not my fault they decided your hair was so magnificent that it deserved a special honouring of its own!”

There was a splash. “S’pose,” he said sulkily. “Which makes what they did all the worse! It’s an absolute travesty!”

“C’mon, Doctor,” she pleaded, managing to keep the laugher from her voice. Just. “If you come out, I’ll make it worth your while.”

There were a few more splashes, and then silence. Rose held her breath, hoping…

“How?” 

 _Gotcha! s_ he thought smugly. _“I’ve got Lion King cued up,”_ she called through the door. _“And that banana flavoured popcorn you love.”_

Suddenly there was a lot of splashing, followed by various other noises. Moments later, the Doctor appeared in his favourite Lion King jimjams with ‘Rafiki rules my posse’ scrawled all over them, his damp hair obviously having been towel-dried.

“Really?”

She couldn’t help but giggle at his hopeful expression. “Really.”

“ _Allons-y!”_ He beamed and seized her hand, almost dragging her to the media room in his haste.

Moments later, they were settled comfortably on their usual couch and the opening credits were scrolling across the screen. Shoving another handful of banana flavoured popcorn into his mouth, the Doctor tugged her closer.

“Better now?” she asked, wriggling around to find a more comfortable position under his arm.

 _“Molto bene_ ,” he beamed. “ _Molto bene.”_

_Fin_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Come follow me on Tumblr at countessselena.tumblr.com


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